You Know Those Moments

Life is all about the moments. There's different kinds, and there's too many kinds to count. There's focused moments in class, or doing work where it seems almost mindless and the moments pass quickly. There's moments of laughter where your cheeks hurt from smiling so much. There's moments of revelation and epiphany where the fog clears and things suddenly make sense.


I've had a lot of moments lately. 


I have moments where I can't believe some of the awesome stuff that I get to do. Those moments are usually followed by a moment where I realize how relatively "normal" that thing felt - when I thought it should've felt differently. I have moments where I'm bored because my days are fairly predictable and my work slightly repetitive. I have moments where I feel fully alive and ready to embrace any new adventure that will come my way. I have moments where I'm insecure - I don't dress like the people do around here, I'm not super cute or trendy - I'm not as good of a musician as the swarm of other musicians around me, and what's the point of being a mediocre musician? I have moments where I wonder, "What on earth was I thinking?" I think about how crazy it is that I moved here just for an internship, and I have no friends here, and who knows where my life is going. I have moments of tenderness, where I feel God wrapping His arms around me, and I know that no matter what happens, what I truly desire is Him more than anything, so everything else seems insignificant. 


And then . . . I have moments where I see life for what it really is and things are instantly clear; in those moments I realize what is truly important and I come upon what it is I really want. Those moments seem out of time because once you perceive the haze lift, the conviction is so strong that it resounds inside the depths of who you are. Those moments are beautiful and terrifying. Simply because that is what I want, does not necessarily mean that that is what I'll get. No matter which way I choose, there is always sacrifice. Then, I try to find the distinction between what I want, and what I am called to. Are they the same? It is possible, and often times they can be. Your vocation doesn't necessarily have to be a calling - it could simply be something that pays the bills. Your calling could be to share life and love and truth with the people that you work with; to influence the sphere of work you are engaged in, not necessarily the job itself. Your calling could merely be the next step; whatever God calls you to do next. I don't know what God has called me to do next, but I know what He has called me to do now. I know that His intent is to reveal things to me and teach me about life and about myself and to help me clarify what it is I want, and what it is I am called to. 


And. . . just in case you were wondering, this introspective moment was the fruit of an hour and a half car ride home, alone, in traffic, through a snow storm.