The Creativity of Sacrifice

I was talking to a wise (and beautiful) friend of mine who brought me back from my pouting about decision making. What makes decision making so significant is the sacrifices that go along with them. The sacrifice involved in decision making is what gives decisions their weight and their importance. 

I think there's also something about control in there too. The ability to make a decision implies power and to a certain extent, control. If I make a decision it implies all cards and all options are on the table and in the sphere of my control. But the problem with that is that it's actually quite limiting - what about all the options that aren't on the table? All the ones I can't foresee or control? I want to make decisions about my life because I would like things more defined and reasonable. I'm anxious for decisions to be made because I like being prepared for things. I like being able to visualize things - then they're less scary; they're tangible, and frankly within a realm of control. They're simpler and understandable and attainable. 

And then I was reminded of God's immense creativity while talking to my amazing sister tonight. God is the master story teller and He doesn't have every person live out the same story - He is far too creative for that. Being that creative, He's probably got something up His sleeve that I couldn't even imagine (though Lord knows I spend quite a bit of time trying to figure it out, which ruins the element of surprise - and I love surprises!). Here I gripe about the sacrifices that I'd have to make, when I am constantly being given so much. I get upset when I can't have everything I want, and I forget that as I long to live a life of service, that involves sacrifice. Serving and knowing the Lord are the reasons I'm here - I'm not here to be fulfilled, and have all my dreams and aspirations come true. That's the reason for me being in the world, but there's also a reason for the world itself and Matthew West says it best:

" Maybe the reason for the pain is so that we would pray for strength

And maybe the reason for the strength is so that we would not lose hope

And maybe the reason for our hope is so that we can face the world

And the reason for the world is to make us long for home

But just keep your eyes on Heaven, and know that you are not alone

No ear has heard, no eye has seen

Not even in your wildest dreams

The beauty that awaits beyond the world

When you look into the eyes of grace

And hear the voice of mercy say, 'Child, welcome to the reason for the world'

And maybe the reason for the world is to make us long for home" 

Matthew West. Copyright 2010 External Combustion Music/Songs for Delaney/Songs of Southside Independent Music Publishing, LLC (Admin. by Wixen Music Publishing,LLC) (ASCAP)  *Yes, I intern at a publishing company and put the credits in there. So there. 

Pubs, Bellas and Preparations

As my routines continue to solidify, I don't have as many things to share I'm afraid. But, alas, I have a few interesting things to share!

Last week there was a worship conference called Re:Create in Nashville. Each night of the week a different Christian music company held an event for the group. Thursday night was EMI's turn. There's a famous venue in Nashville called, 3rd & Lindsley, and this is where we held a dinner and writer's round. Five of EMI's signed songwriters came to perform and to share. It was an amazing moment when I realized that we were basically having an incredible time of worship in a bar. The evening ended with the Matt Maher song "Hold Us Together" and everyone in the pub was singing, and clapping and raising drink glasses - it was pure Nashville. It was awesome. 

This past weekend, I was given one of the greatest gifts ever - a weekend with three dear, dear friends of mine; three amazing ladies. The particulars of all the crazy things we did aren't necessarily important (although I must say, it did include everything that would constitute the epitome of a perfect girls weekend: chinese food, ice cream, chocolate, martinis, doing each others' hair, a Disney movie, a chick flick, boy stories, dressing up, taking pictures, pillow fights, cuddling, coffee, shoe shopping, wedding plans, and lots and lots of giggling) - but the point being, I often imagine certain scenes in my mind of what I would like my life to be like, or scenarios that I think would be fantastic to live out. In particular, as a little girl all I wanted to do was grow up. I thought grown ups were the coolest; I had so many ideas of what I wanted to do, and had this image in my mind of who I wanted to be and what I wanted my grown-up life to look like. Normally pre-conceived notions tend to err on the side of unhelpful, but this weekend fulfilled so many of those in a positive way. There were numerous instances this weekend were I was so happy, and the scene so picturesque I literally thought I was dreaming. The sheer happiness of it all cast a haze over my mind so that it didn't fully seem like reality. 

Lately I've been feeling a bit stressed about upcoming decisions that will have to be made.  Unfortunately, far too often, I think so narrowly - I assume I have to choose between A or B, and forget that there are 24 other letters of the alphabet. I forget that there are so many other options in life than the obvious ones that I can see at present. As I was thinking about this I was recollecting the ways that God has always prepared me for whatever came my way next; and then I saw it. I saw in a very intangible way, how God is preparing me for whatever comes next. How you may ask. Well, as my mind reels with a million and one options of the way life could possibly turn, I have to think again, and again of what am I willing to give up in order to follow God's call. Ironically, what I have to give up is my unwillingness to do certain things; things that scare me. So I have to give up, giving up on things I don't want to do. As I think through each possibility I am brought to the point where I have to be ready and content for anything. Certain parts of my heart that have been clamped shut, God is slowly prying open and asking me to at least consider  what He could do there. I have to be willing for just about anything. I am being prepared and I am being poured out. 

You Know You're A Grown Up When. . .

Here's a riddle for you. What happens at EMI when you have a deal with Taylor guitars and one of the Taylor guitars in the studio breaks and you have to send it back to the company?


Answer? They send you three more!


Tonight I went to a Zumba class. It was awesome! It was a combination of being in a hip-hop music video, and the WSS Square Dance on steroids (but slightly more inappropriate). Score for having fun tonight! The instructor even thought I was a dancer. Yes. Good day.


Okay, so I've been collecting ideas for this for a while, so here goes (feel free to add)


You know you're a Grown-Up When:
1) You pay attention to the price of gas.
2) You spend more time with the people you work with, than the people you live with.
3) You actually listen to the weather/traffic/news when it comes on in between songs on the radio
4) Your concept of sleeping in looks significantly different (like. . . 8 a.m.)
5) You live on a budget, and a menu plan, and use coupons
6) When what you do all day at work wouldn't make sense to anybody else, except the people you work with, no matter how hard you would try to explain it. 
7) You speak another jargon; somehow related to your location of living or your vocation. Mine includes things like SoundScan, PRO, Co-Pub, Admin, Sub-Pub, TuneSat, Synch, Controlled Comp, and Mechanicals - just to name a few. 
8) When meetings are fun.
9) The time you spend outside consists primarily of walking between your car and your destination, and then back again.
10) Lunch conversation topics include things like loans, contracts, leases, houses, families, doctors appointments, world news, weather in other parts of the country


That's all I've got for now, but I'm sure I'll think of some more, and if you guys have some suggestions to add to the list I'd appreciate it!

Change & Adjustments

It occurred to me the other day that in the matter of three weeks I have begun a completely new life. 


It's fascinating to me how quickly I've adjusted and gotten settled here. After going out of town this weekend, as I was driving back into the Nashville area I was surprised at how natural it felt to be coming back to Nashville. . . like coming home. Going into EMI first thing Monday morning, I was excited to be back, excited to see the people and it felt so right to be there. 


Now, as far as my activities at work, the sad thing is that a lot of the things worth talking about, I'm not supposed to share or talk about due to confidentiality. So there's actually quite a bit of things that happen, that I haven't told you all, and I wish I could. I say all this simply because I don't want you all to think I'm evading your questions about what I do; I'm not. 


Yesterday I met an incredible woman. Her name is Debbie. She was such a flutter of energy, love and smiles that I could barely interject a word to even introduce myself until finally one of my supervisors made the introduction. I honestly forget what it is exactly that Debbie does, or her affiliation with EMI, but I remember she came bearing cupcakes, and more importantly I remember why she came bearing cupcakes. It was her Jesus birthday. This grandmother started tearing up as she shared how eighteen years ago she met Jesus, and she went on to say that her other birthday did not matter, because her life did not start until she met Jesus. Inspiring. She walks around on her Jesus birthday with a tiara on so she can teach her grandchildren and have the opportunity to share the immense joy that radiates from her about when her life began. Wow. Do I have that same perspective? 


Over the past several days I have had ridiculous amounts of time to think, which can be dangerous, but it turned fruitful. This particular cycle of thought started with fear, led to realizations and ended in pure contentment. The first two portions are not nearly as significant as the third. The third being that I found that I am completely content with my life. I am content with being in Nashville, content with my internship, content with my place in life. There are so many things that I look to, thinking I would like them, or want them, or even need them, but I transcended into freedom when I saw that everything I had looked to was truly supplementary to the main thing. None of those things, and nothing could satisfy me and fulfill me the way the Lord can, and none of those things mean anything apart from my relationship with the One who created those things. I found myself having a singularity of desire and a singularity of heart; Christ. Nothing could replace Him. Every other good thing I am ever given is not instead of Him, but an additional blessing to the ultimate blessing of Him. I don't know what is going to happen in three months, and at the moment that seems even more up in the air than ever before, but it almost doesn't matter because I already have everything I need. I'm sure it sounds so utterly simplistic, but it resounds deeply within me since it was anything but simple to get to this place. 


For quite some time now, Oswald Chambers was starting to get on my nerves, and so I initiated a time of separation, but "My Utmost For His Highest", Oswald and I have been happily reunited and this one portion continues to rest at the front of my mind.


" We do not need the grace of God to stand crises, human nature and pride are sufficient we can face the strain magnificently; but it does require the supernatural grace of God to live twenty-four hours in every day as a saint, to go through drudgery as a disciple, to live an ordinary, unobserved, ignored existence as a disciple of Jesus. it is inbred in us that we have to do exceptional things for God; but we have not. We have to be exceptional in the ordinary things, to be holy in mean streets, among mean people, and this is not learned in five minutes." - My Utmost for His Highest [October 21]


I can see my inbred discipline and my insatiable drive kick in as troubles arise (like having to face my loans six months sooner than I had anticipated; thanks again federal government). I can work harder, and push myself further and do everything in my strength to pull it all together and make it work; I can, I am capable of doing that. But to live contentedly and humbly in an ordinary life, in an ordinary job, being just another car stuck in traffic on the freeway, being just another worker in a metropolitan scene. I'm learning this. 


There are voices of anxiety, and voices of fear, and a voice trying to control it all; voices of others pressurizing me - but I know the voice of my Saviour. That is the voice that I will follow. All the other things that we try to make happen for ourselves - I'm not certain if that is where I'm supposed to go. Yet I know that if it is where I am to go, there will be a voice behind me saying, "This is the way, walk in it" [Isaiah 30:21]. As long as I narrow in on that voice and follow it, that beautiful voice will lead me to wherever it is I am supposed to go. This world is broken and complicated, but what an incredible thought to realize that we have all of eternity to live gloriously. 

Happenings

This past Sunday, I went back to the College/Career Sunday School at church, and afterwards I was invited to go out to lunch with a group of people. Woohoo! I was very excited to meet a lot of new people, including one girl I met named Christina. Most people around here have never heard of JMU, but Christina went to JMU! That of course made for quick bonding and I'm excited to make new Nashville friends.

This week at work has been mostly non-eventful, with a few notable exceptions. Monday morning I got to sit in on a staff meeting which was vastly entertaining. Today, was an exciting day, first, I got to go to a writer's breakfast with various artists, and producers and songwriters who came to mingle and hear from the president of publishing about the state of the music industry. Eddie DeGarmo is the president of publishing and he is truly one of the most inspirational people I've ever encountered. Eddie is one of the guys from the famous Christian duo - Degarmo & Key. Of note, they were the first Christian group to ever get a music video on MTV. This past Monday night, Eddie was inducted into the Gospel Music Hall of Fame. Then this afternoon I got to help with the filming of some "webisodes." EMI CMG Publishing runs the website WorshipTogether.com, which is a worship resource for churches. They put up lyrics, and guitar chords (I've typed up a number of those song lyrics as an intern. . . ) and video clips, etc. Well, these videos we filmed today, we had various artists come in and discuss the story behind the song, play a little bit of the song and then explain how to play it for people following at home. It was really cool!

I am now getting to that point where my internship, and my life here is becoming more "normal" for me. I'm going to be looking for a job here in the upcoming week, but I'm still considering the implications that'll have on my time - so if you all could be praying for that, I'd really appreciate it. I wish I had something profound to say, and leave you all with but my eloquence is not with me at present. But you can be sure that as soon as I get a moment of profound inspiration, I will post it here. For now, enjoy this gorgeous picture that I absolutely love. 

Cool Things

This week, as various schools around the area resume classes there has been numerous other interns coming in to the company. You know what this means? Other people my age and potential friends! Yes! That's been one of the highlights of this past week. Most of them go to Belmont, which is funny because I applied there and that's where I wanted to go. It is encouraging to see God's plan in hindsight, and how Belmont was not the place for me, and how going to JMU has made me the person that I am. God knew that JMU was the place I needed to go. Anyways, there's another intern in the publishing department, named Calla. She is super sweet and she comes in three times a week and that's been really great, having someone to sit next to and talk to. Yay God! 


Working at EMI, when I get to do cool things, they are wicked cool! Once a month we have an artist devotional, where one of the artists that is signed with our company comes in and talks to the staff about what is going on in their lives, in their faith and in their music. It is such a brilliant idea, because as the people behind the scenes, and behind the desks, it is encouraging to hear how what we (or more rather, they) do to help the artist, and help get their music out there, which in turn helps and ministers to so many people. Yesterday, Sanctus Real came in for the staff devotional. 


I was helping set-up for the event, so I got to hear them sound check and chat with the guys a little before it all started. We were also celebrating the success of their single, "Lead Me", so it was like a little party. Matt Hammitt, the lead singer, got up and shared and it was the coolest thing! He was sharing his heart, and told stories behind some of the songs and was updating us on the situation with his infant son's health, that has been all over the news. He was sharing how we can exchange our pain for God's purpose. According to Matt, God's story is similar to the princess stories we all know, and he said, and I quote, "Disney ripped off the Bible!" (haha, I love memorable quotes). In all those stories something starts off ugly, the situation, a person, anything - and then it is transformed and there's a happily ever after. God transforms our situations, and operates on us and in light of eternity there is a happily ever after. He also had talked about how when we're insecure, it is really us being arrogant and thinking that it's all about us, and it's up to us, rather than realizing that God is the one working and in control, so it isn't up to us. After that, they played a couple of songs and it was simply FANTASTIC!!


It's times like those when I am reminded of why I wanted to do this in the first place (way back to sophomore year of high school when I decided I wanted to go to school for music business). Music has the power to help people and speak truth to people and convey it in ways we can't define, and in order for music to get out there and help people- someone has got to sit behind a desk and fill out copyright forms, and make the phone calls, and update the databases. In order for music to get out to its audience, to make its impact . . . we have to make money. We have to make some money in order to simply run the company, so we can get the music out to everyone. 


Only two weeks working here and God has already blown me away with what He has revealed to me and taught me and what I've learned. Wow, can't imagine what He is going to do next, but I am so grateful. 

You Know Those Moments

Life is all about the moments. There's different kinds, and there's too many kinds to count. There's focused moments in class, or doing work where it seems almost mindless and the moments pass quickly. There's moments of laughter where your cheeks hurt from smiling so much. There's moments of revelation and epiphany where the fog clears and things suddenly make sense.


I've had a lot of moments lately. 


I have moments where I can't believe some of the awesome stuff that I get to do. Those moments are usually followed by a moment where I realize how relatively "normal" that thing felt - when I thought it should've felt differently. I have moments where I'm bored because my days are fairly predictable and my work slightly repetitive. I have moments where I feel fully alive and ready to embrace any new adventure that will come my way. I have moments where I'm insecure - I don't dress like the people do around here, I'm not super cute or trendy - I'm not as good of a musician as the swarm of other musicians around me, and what's the point of being a mediocre musician? I have moments where I wonder, "What on earth was I thinking?" I think about how crazy it is that I moved here just for an internship, and I have no friends here, and who knows where my life is going. I have moments of tenderness, where I feel God wrapping His arms around me, and I know that no matter what happens, what I truly desire is Him more than anything, so everything else seems insignificant. 


And then . . . I have moments where I see life for what it really is and things are instantly clear; in those moments I realize what is truly important and I come upon what it is I really want. Those moments seem out of time because once you perceive the haze lift, the conviction is so strong that it resounds inside the depths of who you are. Those moments are beautiful and terrifying. Simply because that is what I want, does not necessarily mean that that is what I'll get. No matter which way I choose, there is always sacrifice. Then, I try to find the distinction between what I want, and what I am called to. Are they the same? It is possible, and often times they can be. Your vocation doesn't necessarily have to be a calling - it could simply be something that pays the bills. Your calling could be to share life and love and truth with the people that you work with; to influence the sphere of work you are engaged in, not necessarily the job itself. Your calling could merely be the next step; whatever God calls you to do next. I don't know what God has called me to do next, but I know what He has called me to do now. I know that His intent is to reveal things to me and teach me about life and about myself and to help me clarify what it is I want, and what it is I am called to. 


And. . . just in case you were wondering, this introspective moment was the fruit of an hour and a half car ride home, alone, in traffic, through a snow storm.